Most of my readers are old enough to remember those awkward moments that come with the first declaration of love: “You first.” “No, you first.” From the beginning, both partners shy away from emotional risks. We humans are just frail like that.
We go through our lives in a mode of avoidance – avoiding risks, avoiding confrontation, avoiding anything that upsets our serene facades. And speaking of serenity, I’m experiencing a flashback of one of the worst movies ever – Serenity – in which the a male character exclaims, “She is seriously beginning to disturb my calm!” We really don’t like to disturb the calm.
Having gone through 25 years of abuse before I met my husband, I’m the poster child for avoidance. In fact, when I was eight months pregnant with our youngest son, my husband and I had an argument right at bedtime. I really wanted to go walk off my steam and avoid a fight, but the alarm system – housed in our bedroom – was set. So I tried to do the next best thing: climb out a bathroom window. It wasn’t a pretty sight. Needless to say, we ended up talking things out late at night when the clatter from the bathroom woke my husband up, and he found me – ahem – stuck. (Can you say hormones?)
Many of us go to extraordinary lengths to avoid uncomfortable situations. We don’t walk past the home of a certain neighbor. We don’t sit in a certain section of the church anymore to avoid that person who used to be our friend. We may even avoid certain social settings once a relationship has been strained. And sometimes those we avoid may not even know why we avoid them.
If you’re remotely familiar with the New Testament, you know Jesus was not wired like us. He was confrontational in a way that made people around Him squirm uncomfortably. And Jesus commands us to take initiative in resolving conflict:
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” – Matthew 5:24
Confrontation, if done correctly, is good because it allows us to emerge from our season of stagnation back into a season of health and growth. The secret: love.
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ. – Ephesians 4:15
Love for self is often at the heart of our resistance to addressing relationship struggles. “I don’t need that kind of headache right now.” “I’m waiting for him to apologize to me.”
But Jesus takes issue with our egocentricity.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or van conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. – Philippians 2:3-4
Ouch. There’s that word: humility. But now we’re coming to the really good part, the part where you find your incentive to change.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. – Philippians 2:6-7
We had a relationship problem with God – aka our sin – that we couldn’t even begin to address. But Jesus took initiative. He gave up the glories of heaven and came down to earth as a man born in the humblest of circumstances, only to be rejected by the people He came to save and then to die an unthinkable death. That’s what reconciliation cost Him. I guarantee reconciliation with the people in your life will not come at such a high price.
So take initiative. You first.
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